What To Do When the Holidays Are Triggering
If any time of year brings out the unhealthiest relationship dynamics most— it is holiday gatherings.
The expectations.
The manipulation.
The pressure to pretend.
The comments you didn’t ask for.
The family politics.
The guilt trips.
The boundary testing.
The emotional hangovers.
The comparison.
The old wounds that suddenly feel…fresh.
The obligation to “keep the peace.”
Here is what you need you need to know: You are not crazy for thinking the holidays are extra hard when you have a toxic family or toxic family members.
Personally, there is almost no other time of year when I feel more family tension than at Christmas time— even when things are good.
With that being said. I’ve come to learn that if I want to feel more joy during the holidays; if I want to maintain the progress I’ve made in therapy; and if I want to be the healing whole woman I am today instead of the triggered young girl who just wants to make everyone happy— I have to be intentional.
Disclaimer: This is my personal experience and not a replacement for professional support. Abuse of any kind is not okay. If you’re in danger or feel unsafe, reach out for help. Talk to a professional or someone you trust, and if you’re in crisis, call 911 or a women’s crisis line like AWHL.
What is a toxic family member?
Toxic family members come in all ages, genders, shapes, and sizes. AKA—it could be Grandma, Uncle Bob, or your sister. They aren’t necessarily “bad people,” and toxic isn’t a formal label. But for me, I consider someone toxic if interacting with them consistently leaves me feeling drained, anxious, guilty, or otherwise off-balance. It’s less about who they are and more about the impact they have on your emotional well-being. These are the people who, no matter how much you love them, trigger old wounds, push your buttons, or make you question your own feelings and boundaries.
A toxic person will often display one or more of these behaviors:
They stir the pot. They cause division, pit family members against each other, exaggerate or lie, and bring up topics they know will upset you. Gossip is a favorite tool.
They refuse to speak to you. The silent treatment after a disagreement? That’s emotional control and manipulation.
They lie. They deny their part in conflicts, care more about self-preservation than honesty, and avoid reconciliation.
They manipulate. No matter what you do, somehow you end up “in the wrong.” Half-truths, blame-shifting, and gaslighting are common tactics.
They are passive-aggressive. Quietly demeaning, back-handed comments, and subtle conflict-making—hard to spot, but very destabilizing.
They are aggressive. Yelling, swearing, threatening, or even physical aggression. Easy to notice, but sometimes dismissed by others.
They ignore boundaries. No matter what limits you set, they find a way to bypass, guilt, or dismiss them.
They belittle or criticize constantly. “Just joking”—but it their words hurt and they don’t seem to care.
They play the victim. Rarely take responsibility, twist situations, and make you feel guilty for disagreeing.
They control resources. Money, attention, or information—they use it to maintain power.
They refuse empathy or validation. Your feelings are dismissed, minimized, or labeled “over the top.”
They recycle old conflicts. Past issues are brought up repeatedly to punish or unsettle you.
If these behaviours feel familiar, you’ve got some toxic people to handle. Recognizing them is the first step.
A Note On Trauma and Childhood Wounds
Even if you didn’t grow up in a household that feels “traumatic” in the traditional sense, our early family experiences shape how we handle stress, conflict, and connection as adults.
Trauma can come in many forms. From neglect, constant criticism, unrealistic expectations, or emotional unavailability. Our early experiences with caregivers leave lasting imprints on how we see ourselves and others. So when you sit down to eat a turkey dinner with the people who raised you, it’s natural for old feelings to arise. Their habits, words and actions remind you of the past.
What might seem like something small, could actually be triggering your nervous system in a way that has you reacting to patterns you learned decades ago. More on that here.
Our families of origin set the stage for certain tendencies—people-pleasing, difficulty setting boundaries, over-apologizing, or avoiding conflict at all costs.
These coping mechanisms may have helped us survive as kids, but as adults, they can make holidays, family gatherings, and even relationships feel exhausting or unsafe. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking free from them, instead of unconsciously repeating cycles that don’t serve us.
This is work that I have spent a decade doing. I will be unlearning, likely, for the rest of my life. Still there is hope and my ability to set a boundary without wanting to peel my skin off has radically improved since I first began. Hooray!
If you’re at the beginning of a healing journey, consider yourself a cycle breaker, or just want more resources on trauma— check out this blog post I wrote with a list of books that were game-changers for me as a parent breaking the cycle. These books can also give you guidance, insight, and strategies for rewriting old narratives and approaching family dynamics with more clarity and self-compassion.
5 Strategies I use To Cope With Toxic Family During the Holidays
Let’s be real: holidays with toxic family are tough.
Even if you’ve done the work in therapy, even if you’re the calmest, most grounded version of yourself— some people will still push your buttons. The good news? There are ways to protect your mental health, keep your boundaries intact, and survive (or even find joy) during these gatherings. Try these ways to cope with triggers from past trauma or just stay sane:
1. Say No / Opt Out
You are allowed to not show up. You don’t owe anyone your presence, energy, or sanity. Gatherings with people who have been toxic or abusive can be draining, triggering, and sometimes even harmful. Protecting your energy, peace, well-being and children? They are non negotiable.
Skipping an event might make others uncomfortable. You might feel guilty. But saying no is sometimes what is required. Choosing not to attend doesn’t make you weak (or the problem); it makes you intentional, aware, and human.
2. Set Boundaries Ahead of Time
Decide what behaviours you are willing to accept and, more importantly, what you will do in response if those boundaries are crossed. Boundaries are about your actions, not telling them what they should or shouldn’t do.
For example: “I won’t engage in conversations about X,” or “I will step away if Y happens.” Setting them is step one; maintaining them is step two. Toxic people will push, so being consistent matters. And if someone doesn’t like your boundaries, it’s usually a good sign they are the one requiring you have them in the first place. Don’t feel guilty— they are necessary.
3. Have a Safe Person
Toxic family interactions are exhausting, and having someone in your corner can make all the difference.
4. Keep it Surfacey
This one is one of my favourites.
One of the most powerful ways to survive a toxic gathering is to stay on neutral ground. Stick to safe topics, light conversation, and anything that keeps tension low. Avoid touchy subjects and practice redirecting when needed—your go-to phrase can become your secret weapon.
Include others in the conversation who can act as buffers, help change the topic, or create natural breaks when you feel the tension rising. It might feel awkward at first, but with practice, keeping things surfacey becomes second nature. It’s about controlling what you can—your engagement and emotional energy—without trying to control someone else’s behavior.
5. Have an Escape Plan
No matter how prepared you are, there’s always a chance things will escalate. That’s why a clear exit plan is crucial. Know how and when you’ll leave, and coordinate with your partner or support person so everyone’s on the same page.
Have a signal for when it’s time to go, and give yourself permission to make an awkward exit if needed. Staying in an argument, enduring gaslighting, or exposing yourself or your kids to unnecessary stress doesn’t serve anyone. An escape plan gives you freedom, control, and peace of mind so that gatherings are more bearable.
If You Have to Deal with Toxic Family During The Holidays, You Are Not Alone
We can’t choose our family and we can’t control the behaviour of others, but we can control who we expose ourselves to and how we react. The holidays are stressful enough as it is. Give yourself heaps of grace- especially when you also have to deal with difficult family relationships.
If no one else has said this to you: I am sorry.
I am sorry that you are in this situation.
I am sorry you have been hurt by those who should love and protect you.
I am sorry it is so hard to see other families function without toxicity.
I am sorry it is so hard and that this is another thing on your plate.
You deserve healthy relationships. You deserve joy, peace, comfort and all the good things we should receive from our families.
Solidarity to those who are having to walk into rooms this holiday season that they don’t want to walk into.
Solidarity to those who have to go to events that should be fun but have clouds of grief and pain hovering over them.
Solidarity to those who are dealing with toxic family and doing their best to navigate it.
Libby
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