Why is Breaking The Cycle Important?
When I became a mom, I had so many intentions about the kind of mom I wanted to be.
I wanted to be a good mom.
I wanted to be a patient mom, a kind mom, a loving mom.
I planned to be a mom who led by example.
I planned to show my children how to be a regulated, reasonable human by being one myself.
Then I actually experienced motherhood.
If you are a parent, at some point you may have done the same— decided to parent differently to how your parents raised you. You wanted to break a cycle or two.
You wanted to heal. You wanted to show up for your kids, possibly, in ways that nobody ever showed up for you. But when the rubber hit the road, you struggled.
Being the kind of mom you planned to be turned out to be so much hard said then done. So, now what?
In the ten years I’ve been a mom, breaking the cycle has easily been one of the hardest parts.
Among all the hardships of motherhood, healing my trauma for the sake of my kids is one of the most important things I will ever do in my life.
I knew my childhood was not something I wanted to repeat for my children.
What I Didn’t Know When I Chose to Break The Cycle
I didn’t realize the extent of the impact of my own trauma— that my childhood set me up to struggle with regulation, planning and execution more than the average parents. Despite the best intentions and deep love for my kids, I had developed characteristics, reactions, responses, and triggers that ran so much deeper than I understood or could sometimes control. My own trauma made being a connected and present mom infinitely more difficult than I anticipated.
I didn’t know how hard it would actually be to become the kind of mom I envisioned.
I didn’t know how many tools I didn’t have.
I didn’t know how to regulate my emotions in a healthy way, how to admit when I needed help, or how to cope with the constant onslaught of stressors that come with motherhood.
I didn’t know that…
- The sound of my kids’ voices would trigger a fight-or-flight response
- Their defiance would fill me with rage
- My past made me more likely to struggle with mental health, executive function and attention
- My addiction to being busy would steal my capacity to really see my kids
- I would feel anger I had never experienced before and have nowhere to put it
- Sleep deprivation would lead me to think and do things I never imagined I would
- My hyper-independence would make reaching out for support feel impossible
- My people-pleasing and inability to say no were rooted in my own childhood
- Becoming a mom would re-open so many childhood wounds
- The shame over all the ways I wasn’t prepared would isolate me even more as a new parent
- The stress of parenthood would feel heavier because of how I was parented
- That my love for my children alone wouldn’t be enough to make me the mom I wanted to be.
Becoming a mom made me realize just how much help I needed if I truly wanted to break the cycle.
Therapy has helped me a lot. Plenty of other practices too. But honestly? The best thing I ever did for myself in this journey was reading some truly incredible books.
Whether you’re just beginning your healing and cycle-breaking journey or you’re deep into it, you’ll find something here that can guide you and remind you that you’re not alone.
@libbywardofficial It’s the hardest & most important work I’ve ever done #motherwound #reparenting #motherhood #momlife #toxicfamily #cyclebreaker #momguilt #cyclebreakers ♬ Something in the orange – 🫶🏻
Disclaimer: The following list of books is not intended to replace critical supports like therapy or crisis response services. If you’re struggling to cope day-to-day or feel you may need help, I strongly believe in seeking support from a qualified healthcare professional —they were and continue to be vital in my own journey. If you are in crisis, know that compassionate, expert help exists. If you need support, you deserve it, and you can get it.
10 Books for Breaking the Cycle: Healing, Reparenting & Becoming the Mom You Needed
Affiliate disclaimer: when purchasing these books through the links provided, I may receive a small commission.
1. It Didn’t Start With You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are And How to End The Cycle – Mark Wolynn
For the Parents Ready to Understand Their Patterns
This book is foundational for cycle breakers. Wolynn explains how unresolved family trauma can be passed down through generations, even when we don’t realize it. If you’ve ever wondered why certain reactions, fears, or emotional patterns show up in your parenting. This book will help you trace the roots of your parenting struggles with clarity and compassion. It’s validating, eye-opening, and incredibly grounding for anyone committed to healing for their kids.
2. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal From Distant, Rejecting or Self-Involved Parents – Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson
For Those Untangling Their Childhood While Learning to Parent Differently
Gibson gets straight to the heart of what it feels like to grow up with caregivers who couldn’t meet your emotional needs. This book helps you finally understand why you respond the way you do in many of your relationships and conflicts, not just parenting. You’ll learn the language to make sense of your childhood and tools to stop carrying old wounds into your own family. It’s validating, relieving, and an absolute must-read for anyone breaking generational patterns especially the kind that involve emotional neglect.
3. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, And Body In The Healing of Trauma– Dr. Bessel van der Kolk
For Anyone Who Feels Their Trauma in Their Body
A word of warning? This one is heavier. You’ll need to give yourself time and space. But it really is powerful. Van der Kolk explores how trauma lives in our nervous system and how our bodies respond long after the moment has passed. If you’ve ever wondered why certain sounds, tantrums, defiance, or stressors ignite something primal inside you—this book will help you understand what’s happening neurologically. It offers hope, real science, and practical healing pathways for parents trying to calm their bodies so they can stay connected with their kids.
4. The Emotionally Absent Mother: How to Recognize and Heal the Invisible Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect – Jasmin Lee Cori
For Moms Wrestling With What They Didn’t Get Growing Up
This is a book many parents probably wish they did not relate to. It offers a compassionate look at what happens when our mothers or caregivers couldn’t attune to us emotionally. Then, the author shows us how that emotional absence shapes the parent we become. Cori helps you identify the emotional nourishment you may have missed and teaches you how to give that nourishment to both yourself and your children. It’s tender, insightful, and incredibly helpful for moms who are trying to show up in ways no one ever showed up for them.
5. How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal From Your Past + Create Your Self – Dr. Nicole LePera
For the Parents Ready to Heal Themselves, Not Just Survive Parenting
I love this one because it’s both accessible and empowering. Nicole breaks down the practical steps of healing so that real people can do something with it. From nervous system regulation to boundaries to rewriting old patterns, this book gives you tangible tools for becoming the grounded, present parent you want to be. It’s about awareness, compassion, and taking small steps toward change. Perfect for the mom who’s ready to actually do the work of breaking the cycle.
6. What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience and Healing – Dr. Bruce Perry & Oprah Winfrey
For the Parents Who Want to Understand Trauma Without Shame
This book reframes the question from “What’s wrong with me?” to “What happened to me?”—and that shift alone is healing. Through stories, neuroscience, and compassionate insight, Perry and Oprah explain how early experiences shape our reactions, emotions, and coping strategies. It’s gentle, wise, and incredibly helpful for parents who want to understand themselves so they can respond to their children with empathy instead of reactivity.
7. No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with The Internal Family Systems Model– Dr. Richard Schwartz
For Parents Navigating Big Emotions, Inner Conflict, and Old Wounds
Based on Internal Family Systems (IFS)— a therapy modality I’ve recently learned about and tried— Schwartz teaches that we all have different “parts” inside us. There are protective parts, wounded parts and reactive parts. While some parts can cause harm to us, none of them are bad. They just need compassion. If you’ve ever been overwhelmed by your own anger, shame, perfectionism, or guilt as a parent, this book helps you understand why and how to respond to yourself with softness instead of criticism. It’s incredibly helpful for anyone trying to parent from a place of wholeness and see their kids for the many parts that make them who they are, too.
8. Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal – Kelly McDaniel
For Parents Healing the Wounds of Emotional Neglect
McDaniel dives into the concept of “mother hunger,” the deep longing for emotional nourishment many of us didn’t get growing up. This book helps you identify the ways your childhood shaped your parenting and offers compassionate tools to heal and reparent yourself. It’s tender, validating, and essential for anyone trying to give their children what they did not get from their mothers.
9. What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing From Complex Trauma – Stephanie Foo
For Survivors of Trauma Looking to Understand Its Effects
This is a memoir that is both heavy and hopeful. Parents who have complex trauma will feel deeply seen by Foo’s memoir. It’s is raw, honest, and profoundly illuminating. She explores the ways trauma lives in the body and shapes relationships, decisions, and even our sense of self. Reading this book is like having someone hold a mirror up to your experience, offering validation and understanding for the ways past trauma can follow us into motherhood. While she doesn’t become a mother herself or share about parenting, this book is still so good for those who are healing their own wounds.
10. The Myth of Normal: Illness, Health and Healing in a Toxic Culture – Dr. Gabor Maté
For Parents Who Want to Understand How Society and Our Childhoods Intersect to Make Motherhood so Hard and How we Parent so Important.
Maté challenges the assumption that our struggles are just “normal” and explores how childhood experiences, trauma, and societal pressures impact mental health and it’s impact on children. This book had me yelling “YES!” and was so validating as a parent mothering in a society that makes motherhood so hard. It gives clarity on how patterns develop, why we repeat them, and how to step off autopilot to parent consciously. It’s insightful, compassionate, and perfect for anyone ready to look deeper at the roots of generational patterns.
Healing From Generational Trauma and Breaking The Cycle Is Possible.
Well, that is the list of books I’d recommend for breaking the cycle. A gentle reminder? Reading all of them is not necessary nor possible— especially if you are in the trenches of motherhood.
Healing can feel overwhelming and impossible. Please know this work does not happen overnight. It is normal, okay, and expected that change will take time.
Surround yourself with emotionally safe people, find a support network and reach out when you need help.
I hope that reading even just one of these books will help you feel seen and empowered to heal and be the parent you want to be.
You have it in you, promise.
– Libby
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